TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of area. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, sure, let's have A further area where American Males can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he really should prevent applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after getting the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Options


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have convert-down service."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has Trump Tower Damascus gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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